RATS.
ROACHES.
ROOMMATES. These are the 3Rs of habitation in New York City. If you’re telling me you have none of the above…well, congrats on living alone and tell your exterminator to call my landlord. But for the rest of us, we’re helpless. We’re inside Fairway contemplating things like what if the rats tear into that— can’t buy it, cardboard box, no, no and the roaches can crawl into it too—Big No! Or nah [ insert roommate’s name] will eat that up—. Some of you right now are paying $700+ a month living with all your snacks stored not inside cabinets in the kitchen but in Tupperware in your rooms. (shakes head)
I remember those days. Now I don’t even buy groceries. I might come in with a bottle of Volvic at night or on a celebratory evening about $1.60 worth of olives from The Gourmet Garage. Speaking of which, have you noticed that roaches, rats and roommates all have one thing in common? Well, let’s face it—they have multiple things in common, but one thing that baffles me is that none, neither roach rat nor roommate ever bother my healthy stuff. I can leave a bag of Goji berries open on the floor or atop the refrigerator and nothing—not even a trace of a bite. Hypothesis? Roaches, rats and roommates don’t like healthy food. I meant to ask Dr. Jubb, if he has any unwanted creatures at his house… I bet he doesn’t. Seriously, my Kashi cereal—nada. My blueberries, all there—I counted. My Frosted Flakes—well, why bother? It’s always the same thing. The roaches eat the crumbs, the rats leave the droppings and the roommates leave the box. Perhaps you’re thinking, OMG, how does she know the trouble I feel? Well, virgins are smarter than the average ho…mo sapian! Conclusion. The 3Rs can promote healthy food choices. What? Listen, my glass stays half full--why cause I keep it in my room:) Just kidding. But this is New York City, where many things are possible but getting rid of roaches—many have tried, who has succeeded? Rats—ditto. Roommates, well there are times that you have to decide life or life in prison.
ROACHES.
ROOMMATES. These are the 3Rs of habitation in New York City. If you’re telling me you have none of the above…well, congrats on living alone and tell your exterminator to call my landlord. But for the rest of us, we’re helpless. We’re inside Fairway contemplating things like what if the rats tear into that— can’t buy it, cardboard box, no, no and the roaches can crawl into it too—Big No! Or nah [ insert roommate’s name] will eat that up—. Some of you right now are paying $700+ a month living with all your snacks stored not inside cabinets in the kitchen but in Tupperware in your rooms. (shakes head)
I remember those days. Now I don’t even buy groceries. I might come in with a bottle of Volvic at night or on a celebratory evening about $1.60 worth of olives from The Gourmet Garage. Speaking of which, have you noticed that roaches, rats and roommates all have one thing in common? Well, let’s face it—they have multiple things in common, but one thing that baffles me is that none, neither roach rat nor roommate ever bother my healthy stuff. I can leave a bag of Goji berries open on the floor or atop the refrigerator and nothing—not even a trace of a bite. Hypothesis? Roaches, rats and roommates don’t like healthy food. I meant to ask Dr. Jubb, if he has any unwanted creatures at his house… I bet he doesn’t. Seriously, my Kashi cereal—nada. My blueberries, all there—I counted. My Frosted Flakes—well, why bother? It’s always the same thing. The roaches eat the crumbs, the rats leave the droppings and the roommates leave the box. Perhaps you’re thinking, OMG, how does she know the trouble I feel? Well, virgins are smarter than the average ho…mo sapian! Conclusion. The 3Rs can promote healthy food choices. What? Listen, my glass stays half full--why cause I keep it in my room:) Just kidding. But this is New York City, where many things are possible but getting rid of roaches—many have tried, who has succeeded? Rats—ditto. Roommates, well there are times that you have to decide life or life in prison.
You can’t hurt your roommates—no matter how much of your Orangina’s been sipped—unless you catch them with their mouths on the bottle. That’s contamination. Contamination is grounds for extermination. Oh, for any other virgins out there living amongst the sexually active. Ha! That’s a post for another day. Keep a pair of earplugs on the nightstand or establish some kind of agreement with the mates. I live with guys—and I’ve occasionally awoke to moans and screams and the sounds of creaking bedsprings. At first I hadn’t a clue—then I heard “OOOHHHH [__can’t disclose name__]!”
When I gave my friend the scoop, she said, “Poor thing—he should’ve at least played some music. What kind of man is that!? Now I drew from this that sex typically has a score? I never knew! --But then I still can’t believe people have sex other places than beds? Eww just knowing this can make visiting friends' homes feel like visiting public restrooms--squat, stand but never sit. Have a seat? No thank you. Sofas—especially futons are totally off limit. Ew. Just thinking about it makes me feel dirty; thinking about roaches rats and roommates however makes me feel like a New Yorker.
When I gave my friend the scoop, she said, “Poor thing—he should’ve at least played some music. What kind of man is that!? Now I drew from this that sex typically has a score? I never knew! --But then I still can’t believe people have sex other places than beds? Eww just knowing this can make visiting friends' homes feel like visiting public restrooms--squat, stand but never sit. Have a seat? No thank you. Sofas—especially futons are totally off limit. Ew. Just thinking about it makes me feel dirty; thinking about roaches rats and roommates however makes me feel like a New Yorker.
And New York, as tourists discover after coming into their hotel rooms, slipping off their flip-flops and taking a look down at their feet--is dirty.
;)
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