Monday, June 30, 2008

IT'S A VIRGIN THING, YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND

I’ve always been the virgin in the family, so to speak. And that’s fine with me, “not gettin any” and Danielle have been intrinsic since adolescence or around the time when it became cool to talk and more importantly do things that I didn’t and still don’t.
When your first college roommate (currently serving in the U.S. Army stationed in Germany) sends you a MySpace message reading “You still ain’t get none yet?”
Or you’re in 11th grade and your friends say, “Make sure to call me when YOU get some!” Talk about call-waiting. But ya know it’s ‘like that,’ it’s been like that and I don’t mind.
Granted I’ve had my share of friends that are speed-racers or as the ladies in the beauty shops would say “fast” but I also have had some sensible friends who like my speed racer buddies all after riding The Intercourse Express told me the ride, be it short or long , is not worth the cost and if they could do it again- they wouldn’t do IT again.
But more importantly, I have known women who have not had the opportunity to be virgins fore their virginity was stolen by someone during their childhood. Note stolen is PC for rape. But I’ve noticed many of my female acquaintances prefer the term molested. Rape is too harsh. Too vile. I mean rape is what we grew up seeing in those movies where the woman couldn’t get out of bed or couldn’t move forward or was left broken after she was “raped.” Yet stories of “molestation” are very common. I started piecing how common together after I, while waiting on the (6) at a subway platform in the Bronx began talking to a woman about the hypersexual imagery on television and my project… and how some women were raped causing them to become overprotective of their daughters…etc. I must say God is faithful, because how do you begin talking about this to a stranger. How did this conversation start? I know you’re wondering. Well, I saw a young mom maneuvering a baby and a big baby stroller up an escalator. So I asked to snap her picture, she gave the OK and the rest was herstory.
Come to find out, she was molested at an early age. Of course she never sought counseling or talked about it but…this isn’t TV. Fore many women get out of bed the next morning after being “molested” and ACT as if nothing happened…
So, I don’t want people in any way think that I am an Airhead to the trials and tribulations of my sisters because I promote virginity. No not at all, you see I realized that this was a little too big to not mention. It’s too big and too common as I can remember (very fresh still) when, one day while cooking up tofu and seaweed for my roommate and best-friend (both who barely tasted the food) we were all stationed in the kitchen and I had read some article on some superstar who’d been raped and so I began commenting on how almost every girl I’ve befriended has had some kind of story of molestation/rape in their past and how I never have a story to share in those intimate moments when it’s like ‘Ok now it’s my turn to share’ and my bf chimes in with “It happened to me.” I was like “What?”
That stamped it. There was something to this. And, like the girls/women I’ve known before her, she never told.
“It was my cousin,” she said. “My mom would’ve killed him.”
Yup. And I can go on and on from molestation stories to abortion stories.
Abortion. Let me get this in too, fore I can already hear the cheers or girls who’ve gone through this in support of my promoting virginity or the “hate” from girls who will say well, she doesn’t know anything…Let the record show that for the last two summers I’ve been given details of abortions: one pill kill and another vacuum…
Writing this is explainably-odd. Sigh. I’m telling a lot here.
Try having the details of an abortion told to you while you’re eating lunch.
No no rewind. Try having someone ask you your opinion of abortion two days before they’re scheduled to have one then try having the details of that abortion told to you while you’re eating lunch.
Afterwards, I remember the girl thanking me for letting her spiel. She said that it was “Cathartic.”
So, America, world…that’s me in a blogshell.
When it comes to the opposite sex I am cautious. I am picky.
And with all that being said, I don’t believe that anyone is perfect.
I hear this so often (from men especially) it’s become funny they say,“But no one is perfect!”
Duh. But I don’t let people use that as a cop out.
Ask any athlete—perfection is what you strive for be it attainable or not. If you’re not striving to be the best why be in the game?
Sex is beautiful. Hey, it got me here.
But Lord willing, for me, there won’t be teething rings before wedding rings.
Because there is thing called a “covenant” but that’s too much for this little blog.
And yes, I do have to bring up God because he brought me up. And no, I have no desire to promote any one religion be it Islam, Christianity or Scientology.
But without Help, I wouldn’t be here writing this and you wouldn’t be here reading it.
We live in a new time. Jumping off the bridge is no longer uncommon—it’s fashionable. I was in Starbucks in a restroom line and this lady in front of me is wearing these amazing six-inch heels. So I ask her if the comfort level. And we get to talking and she says, “Yeah, I think pain is fashionable.”
Perhaps your friendly neighborhood virgin missed something? I haven’t had TV in a years or read any fashion mags lately. And just today I did say that for the last couple of months (after someone sent me a text asking where I’ve been) I feel like I’ve been out in the wilderness but um…
No comment.
There is a reason that I’ve heard abortion details over sushi and molestation stories on trains… For everyone who seeks to understand their purpose it will be revealed.
Not to harbor those stories but to share them along with my virginity.
My mother deserves credit here, she taught me how to share and care. But more importantly she was frank (regarding sex). When I was a kid people thought I knew too much too early but really she vaccinated me against BS.
Isn’t snake anti-venom made out of snake venom and flu shots aren’t they …
Vaccinations are not 100 percent effective but they dramatically lower your risk, right?
And with that being said, I don’t think that it could be any clearer after reading this what I’m about and if not, stick around if you’re interested. Gosh, I thank my mom for being a good tree. Mashallah!
I know that in this world of positive self-deprecation and wonderfully false humility it’s cool to be down on oneself but I don’t think that pain or following is fashionable—even if it is. Now before someone asks me if I think I’m “cute,” “special” or “somebody?” Let me ask you. Do you like you? Meanwhile, I have a bag of clothes begging to be laundered; sinuses, a new job (that still won’t afford me to pay rent and do laundry in the same week) and now have to screen my phone calls because I STILL haven’t learned the art of saying no to folks (men) when they ask for the phone number. Ladies, perhaps you’ve noticed that men have gotten smarter—they now call your phone IMMEDIATELY after getting your number saying it’s so that you can have their number—but really it’s just to ensure you’ve given them the right number…Don’t we all share this story—guess that makes me a C student, eh? But in some areas I score higher than average and those areas are the ones in which I seek to tutor.
Too it’s summertime, and if there’s one thing we’re all in search of, it’s good fruit ;)






[Chalkboard art by my super G*rl Scout Khayla, 12 ]

Saturday, June 28, 2008

LOST IN TRANSLATION

So a Frenchman and an American are on the (E) Train sharing a copy of the Wall Street Journal when the Frenchman leans over to the American and says “Read this.”
Some woman had written in to an advice columnist for advice on colors to pack on her vacation.
No, she wasn’t headed to the valley of the Crips and Bloods...she was going to New Zealand and Fiji (hello, she was writing into WSJ).
The Frenchman says to the American, “Is she serious?”
Haha and so began this New Yorker’s bond with a Parisian.
“Poodle?” I said. “C’mon you have to know poodle!” “It’s a classic French stereotype—the woman walking in fact it’s called a French poodle!!!”
Two hours and 14 stereotypes (French and American) later J. and I see a woman walking a poodle in SoHo.
“Ah you mean that dog?” he said. A woman and her poodle had just walked past us on Thompson St.
“Yes! That’s a poodle!”
“But we are not in Paris we are in Soho,” he said.
“Maybe she was French,” I said.
“No, she was not French,” he said.
On the Staten Island Ferry the Frenchman got his first glimpse of his country's most famous gift to the United States, The Statue of Liberty. One hour later we'd moved on to discussing
another gift from France, Tony Parker. But not the Spurs' Tony Parker no, no Tony Parker the rapper. The two should never be confused. LOL.
"A joke!" J. said as we choked from laughter. Global fact #1. Athletes shouldn’t rap!
“In France we have rappers fake gangsters who imitate U.S…”
“U.S. Oh No,” I said. “You actually see the U.S. rap videos on TV in France?”
“Yes of course!” he said proudly. “I have a YO! MTV RAPS t-shirt.'
“Oh no,” I moaned.
“Why Oh No?” he said.
“Because,” I said, “the images of women, the women in these videos are…”
“Undressed,” he finished.
And at that, for the first time, I had to laugh.
Earlier in the day I had replied
“Whoohoo!” to a grey-haired Frenchman on the corner of 53td and Madison who’d spoken something to me (in French) which I (surprise, surprise) did not understand.
All I understood was Thierry Henry
“What did he say?” I whispered to J.?
J said, "He said is that you Thierry Henry?”
"Oh!" (note: for the day I unretired my Henry Euro 2008 jersey)
“Now can you explain this “Whoohoo?”” J asked as we headed up an escalator from the Dining Concourse of Grand Central Station. “I have a friend who lived here for some years and moved back to Paris and he says this, this “Whoohoo!?”
For 12 hours we took on New York and had conversation on
stinky cheeses, wine, advertising, photography, “whoohoo,” FAO Schwartz, SeanJohn, Thierry Henry, Volvic water, IAM (he says = best rap group in France), Statue of Liberty, real estate, Napoleon, Disney movies, non-Disney movies, Sophia Coppola, Thierry Henry, Mauritania, McDonald’s, roaches, rats, (He said,“I’ve heard that roaches here are bigger than the rats?”) hip hop, Domenech, Thierry Henry, “trainers” (sneakers), Harlem, Ethiopian food, Ginger Ale, Abercrombie & Fitch and every gap in-between…
But all day—the most funny, outside of Tony Parker rapping, was my French.
My favorite breakfast, an item I have nearly 3 mornings a week, I can not correctly pronounce. “Croissant.” And after going back and forth with J. for 5 minutes I made the decision that when in France I will have baguette. I can’t order what I cannot say.
” In fact,” I said, “I’m just not going to pronounce anything French involving Rs.”
“Could be a problem,” he said.
“Why,” I said.
“Ahm,” he said. “Thierry Henry.”
Touché :-D



Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FIRST TIME

Thierry Henry is here.
(to truly understand this post you'll have to have read all my other posts)
He’s in New York.
He’s practically in my backyard and I, his biggest American supporter, am just sitting here reading about the raping of Congolese women, eating leftover bits of spinach scone and trying to figure out why in the great big round world am I not on Chrystie Street cheering, screaming and holding some kind of ridiculous sign that reads I VIRGIN HENRY!
I hang my head in shame—my focus should solely be on these Congolese women. This is a huge gigantoid big deal and AGH!! Your friendly neighborhood virgin has lost her mind. Wasn't I just envisioning this scenario like two days ago?
Perhaps I’m not a Princess. She would’ve been on the pitch waiting at dawn. However, I didn’t find out until the afternoon. And just as I was about to splash my face with water and run downtown—I didn’t. My Girl Scouts would be soooooooo dissapointed in me!
Perhaps I have a social anxiety disorder? Nah. I met a Parisian (on his first visit to New York City) yesterday and already have a date showing him around tomorrow. But for now, my heart hurts (the combo of Congo and this is too much…I mean the Congo by itself is enough but) and my tummy feels funny and I’m sure my smile has ran away. I’m very excited for the kids who’ll get to see him perform though. I really hope some of my Mexican bros. have a good view and are up front. They afterall are the ones I see rocking the most soccer gear around here (don’t believe me—one need only to get off the (1) Train 240something/last stop in the Bronx on a Sunday afternoon and take a look around)…
Oh well, maybe it’s just not my time to see the genius at play.
Or maybe I really am crazy. Or maybe True Love really does WAIT ;)

... It's my backyard.



And it feels like ooooooBut you don't know my nameAnd I swear it feels like ooooo ooooo ooooo oooooYou don't know my name(round and round and round we go, will you ever know)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

TRY IT BEFORE YOU BUY IT



Today I stopped and took a moment to adjust my breasts because the left one seemed to shift. I blame the new bra-- wrong size perhaps? But listen sometimes a girl's gotta do...
But boy did I receive some stares (though no skin during the 15 second adjustment was exposed ) and it hit me, all day everyday men adjust their testicles in this city like it's nothin.
Yes, I am aware of testicular adjustments.
Virgins are not blind, well some are but you get what I'm saying.
Listen, when you're being talked to amidst a testicular adjustment, you can't help but be aware. And when you're standing on the subway in front ...and then when...yeah.
One time, mid testicular adjustment, my friend says, "It's so hot out here my balls are sweaty."
Ew!
Two, once to get around all the traffic on 42nd trying to get to the post office between 8th and 9th Avenue (that post office is the most expedient and friendliest of all post offices that I've experienced in New York) to beat the foot traffic that is 42nd St. I took it to the street--literally--that's where I passed behind a hot dog cart and caught a vendor scratching himself furiously--hand all the way in pants.
Not kosher!
That was the day I gave up food carts.
And I'll probably never think of hot dogs the same--in fact, I've given them up too.
Some perverted reader is thinking but you've never had a real hot dog-- well , guess what--Lord willing, I won't until I'm married.
This reminds me of a quote I read attributed to Gloria Steinem.
She said,
"A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after."
Sorry MS.
I don't beg to differ.
I differ.
Perhaps I can make virginity Fourth Wave Feminism?
First rule of business, semblance.
clothing to be exact.
This is something that has been bothering me oh since the 7th grade.
Can someone tell me why let's say at concerts and things where t-shirts are sold do they call t-shirts for women/girls babydoll t-shirts? Go ahead and Google image it and see what pops up. Dolls don’t.
And unfortunately this tiny tee has led to a nation of women wearing shirts that do not fit. A "babydoll" Large is not a regular Large. It's like trying to squeeze a toddler in a shirt made for a Barbie.
Um?
Maybe Susan Jacoby is right?
Hmm.
Perhaps it's our new-age dumbness tha has led to this massive movement of muffin tops in this country.


Muffin tops have made their way to the streets, home and office. It's like commonplace now because it IS so commonplace now to wear the wrong size. Sigh. Everyone is jumping off the bridge.
Anna Wintour care to explore this? Wait. Your readers don't have this problem--muffins (carbs) (hello). I know, I know. Too they have the two Ts to keep them from spilling over--that's tailors and trainers.
But really who decided that it would be cute to label and desize us medium/small sized income women/girls?
It's not cute.
I have an idea.
I think that companies started getting leftover shirts at a discount from Asian countries where the women are smaller and thus just thought of a cute way to market these tees and voila--(excuse my French) the shit don't fit! And we must quit.
Please, I don't understand girls, why do we hate going up a size if that is the size that fits?
Denial--it ain't just a river in AFRICA.
Ladies, we are more than a number! Do you know that for the first time in life we have women dying to be a 0. A zero? What is a zero? And pretty soon will apparel come in negative sizes?
I think it'll happen. Some really rich bored woman will have her designer friend create her a size -1.
Please email me if you're interested in Fourth Wave Feminism--and as soon as I figure out what it is exactly--I'll be sure to email you!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

EVERYDAY WITH CONFIDENCE


I AM TIGER WOODS

No, I'm more like a Princess.
Princess (yes, that is her real name) is one of my Girl Scouts and a huge Chris Brown fan.
And like a teenage girl who's just been shown new pictures of the singer, I put my head down to giggle in excitement! Meanwhile, the people at Starbucks (especially the cute stranger seated across from me--he's writing a romantic comedy about a guy...seriously--we met when I sat down--he plugged in my charger ) is wondering what is wrong with her [me]. I was relatively sane when I sat down but this has nothing to do with a cute stranger--well, maybe it does--but not the one seated across from me.
You see, I just logged on to gillettechampions.com.
And oh my, I'm thinkin about giving up waxing and NAIRing no more.
For the record, I'm not really that hairy.
But I am considering shaving. Hey I like to try new things--although the idea of a razor to my skin is frightening--there are women who do it daily. And though I've never been one to follow the crowd (one need only assess my wardrobe for this one) I'm going to give this shaving things ago. My legs shake at the thought.
But I'm not just going to shave. I'm going to Gillette!
And now I've become the equivalent of one of those guys who (circa 1990s) only ate WHEATIES because they saw Michael Jordan's picture
on the box and or heard him saying
"BETTER EAT YOUR WHEATIES!"
Perhaps I'll stop at Duane Reade on my way home and grab some razors and hope that they come with directions.
Agh!!! I haven't been this excited in like 5 hours.
What? Yes, 5. C'mon I live in New York--excitement is all around and when it stops I'll move--to Paris!
But ok, so on gillettechampions.com you can listen to my Thierry (dreamy French accent 101) Henry give his opinions on certain things but it wasn't what he said--it was what I read. Guess what city tops his list of favorites?
NEW YORK CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.
If there's one thing a man and I have to agree on it's the island.
It's the non-negotiable.
And oh, do you know what this means? This means that I could one day just be at the corner of some avenue and street and bump right into this clean shaven footballer.
Or one day, I could meet him and lead him on a tour of my city (daydreamin and I'm thinkin of you...) first stop Henry St?
LES? Nah!
But I tell you, the possibilities are limitless!!!!!! I know this city like the back of my hand.
And forget SEX , like Gillette , VIRGIN is the best a man can get [ahhmm] if he can get one ;)
Just kidding, Mom! I'm a buyer not a seller!

Friday, June 20, 2008

EXTRA VIRGIN

Back in June 2007 a supermodel spoke these words, words that I've had in the back of my mind and on my harddrive for a while now. Ahhmm.

She said:








Well, Ms. Bunchen, I'm not one to burst bubbles but ,babes, consider this one bizzzurst!
Your fellow Brasileiro Kaka'.
See, I'm not even the one to burst it. But if you want to go there...I mean...

Meanwhile, June 2008 this opinionated supermodel's caught dining at Extra Virgin .
Extra Virgin?
I'd never heard of this restaurant untill today. I dig the name!
West Village, eh? I'll have to give it a go--right after Aquavit--Mayor Bloomberg, I'm still waiting!

Join an extra virgin at Extra Virgin for a heavenly dessert? (wink ;) )


I am feeling it today--must be the sleep--I actually got 8 hours last night--talk about a good first time!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

PARDON MY FRENCH

ALLEZ LES BLEUS!



















You don’t kick a dog when it’s down—isn’t that how the old saying goes?
Well, I’m no bitch—but I’m definitely down—and getting to the Theatre District from Union Square I took a number of kicks. But before I could dial 3-1-1 I run into NYPD.
And guess what NYPD says to me, your friendly neighborhood France football supporting neighborhood virgin.
He says “I got a question for you, what happened to France today?”
That topped my Mexican brothers who kept poking their heads out of the back to catch the score and glimpses of the lone France fan staring up at the screen and occasionally hitting the stool. I couldn’t sit. I occasionally used the barstool as an elbow rest and I wasn’t willing to relinquish it
After the cop, as I’m still thinking about the cop, I hear someone yell, “No good today. 2-0.” But the worst…I’m waiting for my train at Union Square and this guy comes up to me—talking. You know I prefer the handsome silent types.
But oh, this guy came up talking…"Have you ever been to France, I lived there so many years, university blahblahblah... He says, “2-0 did you see it?”
(I think) ‘No, sir, I’m only wearing this gleaming Euro 2008-I-just-got-it-in-the-mail-today-imported-from-another-hemisphere-Thierry-Henry-jersey-for-nothing.’
“Yes.”
After talking on the platform we continued chatting on the N train (listen, I try to be a good ambassadress for my city)…and he said a lot of stuff. In fact this guy talked more than me.
Synopsis anyone?
Well, he (Muhammad) from New Guinea says that "Americans are bizarre."
“Bizarre like weird?” I say.
“Yes, weird…”
But skip all of that. He tells me to forget Thierry Henry. He says it just like that "Ah forget Thierry Henry!" "Thierry Henry is too arrogant and that at Barcelona this year he had like 1 goal in 3 games. "
FYI: Total #14 for Barca had nine or was it 14--but whatever, he was suffering from an injury and out some and played out of position--yet still managed to score.
I said little.
He says,
“I’ve seen Thierry Henry (he starts counting on his fingers)”
[AGH! I’m screaming silently….]
“How do you know he’s arrogant,” I ask.
He explains.
“But I love Thierry Henry.” Sorry if I sound like a 13-year-old Chris Brown fan). “I’m sorry,” Muhammad says. “I don’t mean to break your heart. It’s ok. Go take a shower, have a tea and remember Germany.”
STAB!
Can you believe that someone would say that—to me?
Does he not know how many cranberry juices I’ve invested, how many prayers when he was injured at Barcelona and how many arguments I’ve had inside my head about putting a poster on my wall? You’re grown, Danielle. Grown people do not put posters on their walls. In fact grown people don’t even THINK about putting posters on their wall.
“What is your name again?” he asks. “Do you go to school here?”
I felt faint. But it was my stop. Any other day I’m left explaining who HEN-REE is…today though, on what could, but let’s hope not, be Henry’s last international game, I left at half time. I didn’t have a good feeling. I still don’t. It wasn’t looking good and I couldn’t bear to see him lose.
Sigh. France will inevitably be part of my great American novel… after speaking with the guy on the train today—I’ve decided to visit. I’ve got my piggy bank on my desk and it’s ready to save.
6 HOURS, one church service, a tea and snack later I’m on the (1) Train heading home when these two guys stand in front of me, one says, “They lost today, I’m sorry. I was rooting for them too."
His buddy asks “Who lost?”
“France,” he replies.
So taken by his sincerity I decide to ask the kind stranger his name.
Kind stranger (I don’t say) “What’s your name?”
“Muhammad,” he says. And that my friends is the tale of two Muhammads. As for me, with football season being abruptly over, I will work on my French.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION

WHO YOU GONNA CALL ;)

That's me. Your friendly neighborhood virgin. No, I didn't wear this for Halloween--I wear this whenever it's clean or I want to.
Meanwhile, I'd just like to note that when you Google"Ghostbusters costume for girls"--it doesn't look like this one.
It's sexy.
Hmm...
Here's an article that ran in Newsweek last October.










THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME


RATS.
ROACHES.
ROOMMATES.
These are the 3Rs of habitation in New York City. If you’re telling me you have none of the above…well, congrats on living alone and tell your exterminator to call my landlord. But for the rest of us, we’re helpless. We’re inside Fairway contemplating things like what if the rats tear into that— can’t buy it, cardboard box, no, no and the roaches can crawl into it too—Big No! Or nah [ insert roommate’s name] will eat that up—. Some of you right now are paying $700+ a month living with all your snacks stored not inside cabinets in the kitchen but in Tupperware in your rooms. (shakes head)
I remember those days. Now I don’t even buy groceries. I might come in with a bottle of Volvic at night or on a celebratory evening about $1.60 worth of olives from The Gourmet Garage. Speaking of which, have you noticed that roaches, rats and roommates all have one thing in common? Well, let’s face it—they have multiple things in common, but one thing that baffles me is that none, neither roach rat nor roommate ever bother my healthy stuff. I can leave a bag of Goji berries open on the floor or atop the refrigerator and nothing—not even a trace of a bite. Hypothesis? Roaches, rats and roommates don’t like healthy food. I meant to ask Dr. Jubb, if he has any unwanted creatures at his house… I bet he doesn’t. Seriously, my Kashi cereal—nada. My blueberries, all there—I counted. My Frosted Flakes—well, why bother? It’s always the same thing. The roaches eat the crumbs, the rats leave the droppings and the roommates leave the box. Perhaps you’re thinking, OMG, how does she know the trouble I feel? Well, virgins are smarter than the average ho…mo sapian! Conclusion. The 3Rs can promote healthy food choices. What? Listen, my glass stays half full--why cause I keep it in my room:) Just kidding. But this is New York City, where many things are possible but getting rid of roaches—many have tried, who has succeeded? Rats—ditto. Roommates, well there are times that you have to decide life or life in prison.
You can’t hurt your roommates—no matter how much of your Orangina’s been sipped—unless you catch them with their mouths on the bottle. That’s contamination. Contamination is grounds for extermination. Oh, for any other virgins out there living amongst the sexually active. Ha! That’s a post for another day. Keep a pair of earplugs on the nightstand or establish some kind of agreement with the mates. I live with guys—and I’ve occasionally awoke to moans and screams and the sounds of creaking bedsprings. At first I hadn’t a clue—then I heard “OOOHHHH [__can’t disclose name__]!”
When I gave my friend the scoop, she said, “Poor thing—he should’ve at least played some music. What kind of man is that!? Now I drew from this that sex typically has a score? I never knew! --But then I still can’t believe people have sex other places than beds? Eww just knowing this can make visiting friends' homes feel like visiting public restrooms--squat, stand but never sit. Have a seat? No thank you. Sofas—especially futons are totally off limit. Ew. Just thinking about it makes me feel dirty; thinking about roaches rats and roommates however makes me feel like a New Yorker.

And New York, as tourists discover after coming into their hotel rooms, slipping off their flip-flops and taking a look down at their feet--is dirty.

;)

Thursday, June 12, 2008

KATSU OVER CROISSANT


Opinions are great--the most honest sections of most news media. And online comments are fun because they are immediate reactions. Thus most of them tend to be funny, idiotic and passionate...Sometimes you run into a brilliant comment--one of those you want to email or suggest someone else read...those are rare. Ahhm...
" RickyBobby
June 9, 2008 10:46 PMYork/gbr
Horrible, lifeless performance from the French. It would seem that the spirit of that wonderful Euro 2000 side has well and truly been extinguished. Watching the other game in this group tonight, it is clear that it will take something special for them to go through.
France need to drop Malouda (from a great height) and play Nasri or switch Ribery to the left and play Govou. Domenech should also be encouraging the full-backs to get forward more - so long as there are two holding midfielders in place there's absolutely no reason why they shouldn't. I'd say there's also a case for bringing in the busier Diarra and Evra for Toulalan/Makelele and Abidal. Henry must come back as well when fit. He may have had his worst season in ten for Barcelona, but he was still their top scorer (playing left wing) and remains head, shoulders, waistband and knee-high socks above Nicolas Anelka.
But all that would be far too sensible for a manager whose stock in trade is identifying the right decision and doing the opposite.

[Offensive? Unsuitable? Report this comment.] "

Giggle! Now that's an opinion--funny and not completely untrue.
I have no more comments. Ok, one more. I have always and continue to adore Domenech's eyebrows. I'm giving compliments to a man who's name I (honestly) don't know how to pronounce. I've got to work on my French? I've been trying! Although #12/#14 speaks 3 languages--one being English so I mean... j/k!
As of press time--I have seen no EURO 2008 footage--meaning no Henry updates to report. I'm have an outing scheduled with one of my Girl Scouts who I promised a trip to Little Tokyo and I don't know how I can work Holland vs. France in there...plus all games are shown at bars. Oh, well! I just hope that Henry's fit to play! Meanwhile, tommorrow's co-adventurer is a very lively 7th grader who wants to be a lawyer when she grows up. :) Awww!!! Summer vacation. I'm going to miss my Girl Scouts. It's been a very special year. But I'm thinking of leading a troop in their neighborhood--so that we can keep up. But back to my little Scout and her Japanafascination... Yeah, I don't know?! This year she developed quite a taste for Anime , Manga and Japanese language? BX Castle Hill Projects stand up!! She's amazing, bright and all yours. I've been talked into buying chopsticks and Manga. I don't know what Manga is. I'm just hoping it's not some kind of adult animation...and if it is--please believe I will whoop her right to the Sanrio store! But wait, I didn't include "In case of bad behavior ,I, _______ authorize, you, Ms. Danielle, to whoop..." knew I forgot something!!
À la prochaine...

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

THE TIPPING POINT




People are really nice to me. Do you ever just feel like that, like you’re being smiled upon because people are so nice to you—especially in a city not known for its hospitality?
I know it sounds too simple and good to be true. But it isn’t. It’s the truth—especially at restaurants around the city. Of course at restaurants you want people to be nice to you and like you so that they don’t spit in your food or drop your salad on the floor and scoop it up back in a bowl and “bon appetite!”
And I love that at restaurants people are so nice to me—I just wish my bank accounts allowed me to be more monetarily friendly to them (the servers). For instance, when you walk into a restaurant in Times Square and a server automatically remembers your order—after only one visit—you want to TIP. Of course I tip. But I want to TIP! Or when you’re sitting in your favorite restaurant and you’re given extra beef after already ordering extra. This happened to me last night at KumGangSan.


This server comes and sits my Tofu Bulgogi Dol Sot Bap and side of extra beef down then seeing that it was “me”—he smiles and says “I get you more beef (wink)!” Then like clockwork he swoops back dropping more tender thin delicious bulgogi into my bowl and dashes off.
Too yummy to be true—but oh, it was good and I felt bad because I desired to TIP my thanks but couldn’t.
I expressed gratitude of course. And before I left we chatted a while, long enough to learn that he lives in Jackson Heights…
But is that as good as a good TIP? I’ve never been a server but I guarantee you that on a good night a good tip registers higher than a good talk…
Ok, so I even have a favorite busboy at KumGangSan—even the sushi chefs and I are cordial…one met my mom when she came to visit. Sigh, it’s a big deal when you introduce a man to your mother. OMG I want to TIP!!!!!
But let’s face the facts. I’m just not a TIPper.
I’m a tipper.

Monday, June 9, 2008

AND HE COOKS TOO

I took Sunday vittles at my Godmother's house in Yonkers yesterday and I'm still full.
And like the end of any good soul food Sunday mine ended in a nap.
Too, a nap is always the best dessert.
I mean a walk around Central Park is nice or a Kombucha if you can afford it... But yesterday I was out of my element--upstate and with television. I awoke to the sounds of Iron Chef and sight of this beautiful man. I actually stood up and walked up to the TV to get a better look. And I was not dissapointed. He's no "Monet." Close up it got even better.
And wouldn't you know it, this Ethiopian born Swiss guy is a New Yorker!!!
His name is Marcus Samuelsson. His restaurant is Aquavit.
Now, I'm sure I can't afford anything other than water at Mr.
Samuelsson's restaurant but I'm thinking about popping in (at some point) ( in the near future).
Perhaps, I can talk my favorite New Yorker into joining me...Oh Mayor Blooooommmmberg-- the tip is on me ;)

Note: After reading the article, I'm convinced God woke me up right on time!

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING - Kakà

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING. Don't just memorize it. Live it!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

THE NAME SOUNDS FAMILIAR

Picture it. Teeny-town USA. Late 90s. Me tossing clothes left and right, shoes back and forth and occasionally spilling baby powder everywhere—ok, not so different than now—but back then I had TV. I wasn't living in NYC. And I would get dressed to The Bloomberg Report every morning before high school. The Bloomberg Report was like The Weather Channel sans the elevator music—both entertaining enough to keep you company but not entertaining enough to cause you to put your left shoe on your right foot or vice versa But I never knew that “Bloomberg” was the same as this Bloomberg.
Who knew?! Just when I was beginning to feel sorry for him—poor thing 'n' all what will he do after he leaves office etc...? I realize he can pretty much do whatever he wants after he leaves office. Let me put it like this, it’s one thing to be in The Wall Street Journal. It’s another thing to BE The Wall Street Journal. Who is this mayor of mine? He’s an Aquarius—which gives him great…ok, ok, I’m bias there but that’s all that I know. But I bet he’s written a book—everyone’s written a book. I just finished Autobiography of Andrew Carnegie by Andrew Carnegie. Don’t ask. I’ll explain how I came to read that book later—just know that it was standing outside of Carnegie Hall (March 21, 2007 ) that brought about the creation of my website.
Now, I was about to start the The Code of Jewish Ethics by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin—my fingerprints are all over the single copy at a certain midtown bookseller so the least I can do (after weeks of quick reading) is buy it, right? I get paid on the 15th, so we’ll see. And I KNOW everyone is like why don’t you just order from Amazon.com ?
Well, I would but I don’t have a mailbox key—and sometimes I run into the postman and he’s like “No more mail can fit in the box” or “Your mailbox is full tell…”
You see, my mailbox-key-having-housemate travels often, but he has apartment seniority and so I dare not ask for the key…What?! I know. I know… Listen, I tried to get a P.O. Box the other day, but it seems these boxes are like virgins in this city.
“Sweetheart," said the postal clerk , "there are none available." "Those are real hard to come by around here.”

Saturday, June 7, 2008

AMERICAN DENIED ADOPTION


PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MR. JACK BELL?
NYT?
SOMEBODY?
ANYBODY?
PLEASE!!!
HELP ME!!!
LISTEN, MY ADOPTION DIDN'T GO THROUGH AND I'M VERY UPSET!!!!
IT'S DISCRIMINATION!!! THEY WON'T LET ME ADOPT HENRY BECAUSE I'M AN AMERICAN!!!!
Seriously, I went to adopt a footballer at adoptafootballer.com and was shut completely down.
This is what happened.
It's EURO 2008 time!!! Whoohoo right? Well to drum up support for the games this brilliant marketing plan game about allowing folks to adopt s footballer.
Well, to adopt a footballer you have to be registered with this other website. That's not a problem--registering is annoying but I'm accustomed. And I'm good at it too like I'm a professional registerer you know TAB TYPE TAB TYPE ...ENTER.
I'm practically the Henry of registering, right, so I begin registering when I get down to the category that reads Country of Residence I scroll down the list and I see the entire world like every country but no United States--and just as I'm thinking maybe we're filed under America or New World or something ---I see" We do not accept US customers."
WHAT?!
First of all, I am fit for this adoption--who better than me to adopt a footballer?
Even when times were tough and I was picked on for wearing soccer related items, pestered by Guinness-breathed men, hastled for calling "soccer" football and not to mention I've spent $$ that I didn't have on glasses of cranberry juice (sometimes with lime) at pubs just so I could see the games and I can't even count the amount of time spent explaining HENRY is pronounced Ahn-ree (French). And despite all of this I stood my ground. I was responsible. I remained loyal--faithful to the sport of the world. And this is the thanks I get.
Now I have Les Blues.
[[Sniffle]] I just wanted him to be my baby... [[Sniffle]]
But the world has left this American girl out. And do you think I have support from my countrymen? Nope.
I can't call anyone and spiel about this. I could. And they'd lend me an ear, but just to humor me--kinda like what you're doing right now. Merci!
Oh Henry, whoever gets you is very lucky. May you have an adopter who provides you with the discipline, support and kindness...someone who'll support your standing and speaking up... someone who'll eagerly lace your boots...
Hopefully though, it won't be one of these guys...




GYPSY-GYPSY(!!!)PARIS-PARISA(!!!)

I have no air in my apartment, no fan in my room and it's hot outside. But I'm not complaining. Central Park is beautiful. Tourists are here. And I'm never home anyway--no wireless. So it's roaming for your friendly neighborhood virgin. I feel like a Bedouin woman and I look like one too (sometimes)--which causes some attention. But I'm accustomed to that as my American apparel is rarely found in stores--or put together like things approved my WWD or Elle or Vogue. So I don't mind when people make comments on what I wear--if something is strange--you notice, c'est la vie!
The Hebrew name Danielle means God is my judge ;) And in French it means the same...
That's my name.

But with that being said, we should really have "peace talks" in this city so that hurtful assumptions may be eradicated. We need to water the garden of understanding. Peace for peace of mind.


" Tolerance is the positive and

cordial effort to understand another's

beliefs, practices, and habits without

necessarily sharing or accepting them. "

- Joshua Loth Liebman





We should have old people sit down with young people. We should have Christians sit with Muslims. We should have the man who stood outside the window staring at me for five minutes while I took buns at Dragon Land Bakery in Chinatown sit down with me. Why, my Orthodox Jewish brother , stand outside, stare and assume when you can talk to me? Shalom! I'm friendly!
And I probably have just as many questions for you as you for me. So let's chat!
Sometimes I wear a keffiyeh. I do. I bought 3 of them from an African man on 1rst Avenue a long time ago for the same reason people buy pants at Brooks Brothers or Forever 21. The

pictures are all of Bedouins.

Note: Yasser Arafat was not the first to don a keffiyeh and I do not support terrorism. But I do support quality. My كوفيات are better quality than what you find ala retail stands on the streets of NYC today. And guess what, that authenticity is keeping my head cool--soaking up sweat and providing me with a look of which I approve.
Hate the hattah.
Love the virgin.

Last summer a guy yelled "Parisa, Parisa Gypsy Gypsy!!" I didn't know what he was saying.

The person with me said, "I think that he's calling you a French gypsy!"

Later my mother said, "A gypsy--oh my, what were you wearing..."

Note my mother is rarely in kind when it comes to her daughter's attire. And she really isn't a fan of the times that I cover my head. Tis why I've stopped explaining my "fashion."

Please, reference THE WAR ON WARDROBE.

In the words of that Reebok campaign, I AM WHAT I AM!
With that being said, I'm off to write an apology to Ms. Michelle Malkin before this blog is pulled!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

WIRELESS VIRGIN

You know, my collegiate neighbors have all fled for the summer taking with them their unsecured networks leaving your friendly neighborhood virgin with nothing but secured networks and after guessing millions of wrong passwords—I’ve given up trying to tap into the secured ones. It’s not worth noting, but I will: hacking will never be a crime of which I’m found guilty!
So I’ve no longer got internet access at my home. And with rent to pay, laundry to do becoming a paying member of the wireless community is a dream deferred. One day I am going to be able to afford rent and laundry—all in the same week—but until that happens…I’ll keep lugging my pc around and scheduling time to pop in and out of Starbucks or public libraries. Did you know that a “Day Pass” is $9.00 at Starbucks? Spending $9.00 a day on something you can’t touch will bring the miser out of a monk. I sat in Starbucks once from 7 P.M. to 4 A.M.—me, the laptop, some homeless folks and the baristas. I’ve had two laptops stolen in the past—one was taken right off my shoulder as I was walking home. It was late at night so my better judgment says go home before midnight but a girl’s got to get her money’s worth. Some people say “It’s hard out here for a pimp.” Well, I think it’s harder out here for the homeless. You thought I was going to say ‘a virgin?’ Nah. It’s not so bad out here for me. In fact, it’s pretty good. It’s my blog so I can moan if I want to—but in reality—not having wireless vs. not having shelter is of no comparison. God is faithful* I'm wearing my favorite Kaka' jersey today, ok, my only Kaka jersey which if you watched the video posted above is fitting. And so I’m going to post this blog and move on because right now time is money. To my neighbors who’ve left with the unsecured networks—I make an appeal to you—please come back soon!!!
P.S. Manami--New York City misses you--give my regards to Tokyo--it's on my list--right after rent...and laundry...and wireless